I Can’t Hear The Word “Mommy” Anymore Today

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Today has been rough. Yesterday wasn’t much different. Being a mom has been hard lately.

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Today is a school snow day. Of course, I felt like I was the last person in the world to find out because I had Branden dressed and waiting for the bus. Ooops.

This is day 2 of him being home with Blake and I because his bus magically didn’t show up yesterday. Mostly he is a great help. And honestly having him home yesterday was fun, as he ended up running errands with me and a friend and going to out to lunch with us.

Today being snowed in is a different story, though. And after 2 days home with Blake, they are starting to butt heads.

So as usual, I’m scrambling.

I’m counting down the minutes until Blake’s nap because I can hear her squealing so loud downstairs (not in a joyous way) and for the love of God, I need some quiet to get work done. I can hear them. Both of them. So loud. And I know my name is about to be called for the millionth time this morning.

Sometimes it gets so overwhelming hearing that word, “mommy,” so many times each day.

And I feel guilty.

I remember whenever I yearned so much to hear those sweet words during each pregnancy. And then during those years whenever they both first started to speak. I would coach them all day long. “Moooommmmyy.” I would say over and over. And then pure joy whenever they finally got the hang of it.

I feel guilt because there are so many other women out there right now, wishing to hear those words from a child that they don’t yet have. And here I am, wishing those words away.

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes those words are still so sweet to me. So sweet that it melts my heart. But I struggle to feel that way during business hours whenever I’m trying to do it all, and failing miserably.

I know, I know. I shouldn’t try to do it all. And I guess I exaggerate whenever I say “do it all.” I have started to hire babysitters and streamline my processes so that I can only focus on what purely needs my attention between the kids, Chris, Oliver, work, and the house. I actually feel pretty good about the amount of stripping away of unnecessary stressors during the day and have even made time during the week to get out of the house with friends.

But that doesn’t mean that tough days don’t still exist.

And today is one of those days.

I’m sure you can all relate to those moments whenever you start to do something that you need some concentration to do and you can just sense that kids getting ready to call for you. And you just can’t do it. You can’t hear “mommy” in that moments. It’s just too much after the million other times they’ve already called it that day.

It’s too much to say “what do you need?” but you know you still have to.

It’s just too much.

To today is that day for me.

I just can’t hear the words “mommy” anymore. I’m done. I’m checked out. Get me a glass of wine.