Mother Bird Syndrome

Editor’s Post by Deborah Hetrick Catanese

On a Monday in Virginia,

I saw

 Newly Fledged Children

Flying on their own,

Shot down

Before their wings had fully spread.

 

On a Monday in Virginia

I see

A tiny bird flying

High in a still, crystalline sky,

Frantically chasing a hawk

Fifty times its size.

 

I want to shriek,

To attack, to fight, to madly protect!

Like Mother Bird.

 

So fierce. So determined.

So small.

Just like us all,

On a Monday in Virginia.

Project Motherhood has touched on a number of thought-provoking topics. Branden’s irrational fear of spiders, described in Allison’s “Facing the Fear”, made me realize how similar we “grown-ups” can be to children when it comes to anxiety-driven thinking. And “The Many Styles of Parenting” brought to mind the exterior chatter that comes at us about how we are “supposed” to feel and act if we are to be good parents.

These pieces make me think about how we can manifest our desire to protect our children even while staving off “attitudes” about our parenting. This potentially crazy-making combo is something that we as parents need to navigate without letting either fear or second guessing control us.

I wrote the above poem in one of those states, when fear rose up in me like fat to the top of chicken soup.  I could hardly breathe when I heard about the shootings on the Virginia Tech campus, even as my own daughter strolled through her far away college green, unguarded and blissfully unaware.

You know the feeling…there are certain horrific, gut-wrenching stories in the news that just get stuck in your head, as you ache for those in the situation with all your heart, and you pray to your God as hard as you can to help them, and to help you. And to protect…YOUR children.

Those are, of course, the ugly days of parenting. Yet even though our fears often hover very close to the surface, we KNOW we cannot let them control us. So, I ask…

How do we control our worst fears and let our children get out there and live their lives?

And when are we acting over-protective vs. simply lending a hand? 

Ah, this parenting business does get complicated, doesn’t it? We could say it starts with teaching our children how to ride a bike, when you take off those training wheels that provide nothing but a false sense of security to your child. And then you have to tackle your OWN false sense of security. Because you can run faster and faster while holding on to that little bicycle as hard as you can, but you will eventually, most certainly, have to let go! And then the little twerp rides away from you, newly independent and brave, while you notice you are still holding your breath!

All parents pretty much agree on the above situation.  But our parenting choices may differ as we go along, especially when it comes to the issue of when to step in to help your child and when to play “hands-off”. As much as we’d like, we cannot protect our children from all harm. And in actuality, parents who act from a place of fear can stunt their child’s ability to learn from situations and limit their engagement in life. But a parent who is forever unconcerned can cause their own type of damage.

For discussion sake, let’s consider those types of parenting styles that Allison recently described (Permissive, Authoritarian, Authoritative, and Uninvolved), in light of these questions:

A. Should I stop my child from driving while intoxicated or texting?

B. Should I hound my child to study for the math test instead of sitting back and letting him fail?

C. Should I determine who my child can befriend or date?

As you may notice, the number of these questions you answer affirmatively pertains to how much you tend to control. But, sometimes it is clearly necessary to intervene (illustrated in question A), and sometimes intervention is an action that can backfire, as it did in my own childhood (C). But it is in the middle gray area (B) that this article resides…that gray area where you must decide when to control and when to back off, within your own “parenting style.”  As Mother Birds flying in the grey area, we need to decide when it is time to let a child fight their own battles, and when it is time to swoop in.  And as Project Motherhood so often emphasizes, these shades of grey can vary, depending on the nature of each individual child.

There is a new phrase called “helicopter parents” (that, like many labels, makes me slightly cringe).  The gist is that certain parents of high school or college age kids do not ever stop hovering over their children, behavior that administrators of said institutions often find very annoying.  And it’s true…many times your children ARE capable of tackling their own obstacles without “air support”. And other times, they only need a bit of parental advice along the way to resolving it themselves.

But we can’t let negative stereotypes stop us from clearly assessing our role and values as a parent when problems arise, especially when your inner worrywart is urging you to step in. So before picking up the phone, we can ask ourselves… Is this a necessary call that concerns my student’s well-being or safety, or am I being over-protective?  And, second, is this a call that will have more or less impact because it is from a parent instead of a student?

Throughout the raising of our children, even the best Mother Bird cannot or should not be everywhere. Yet, this very fact gives us an opportunity to do our best work as parents.  First, we warn of the dangers: “Look both ways, Walk with a friend, Don’t take candy from a stranger, Don’t assume the other driver is going to stop, Don’t leave your drink on the bar while you dance…” But in the big picture, we want to set an example to our children of how to live our lives without being paralyzed by danger, real or imagined.

Ultimately, we can’t stop random bad things from happening, to us or to our children. But we as parents can do some preventative work in the gray areas that can maximize their chances, emphasizing preparation, awareness, decision-making skills, and yes, humor! And then let them roll their dice.

So, maybe we can illuminate the situation by sharing our “wisdom” with our children, sharing our stories and our experiences.  Remembering what it felt like to be young, and letting them live their life, trying not to let our fears become an obstacle but simply a voice of reason. They may not act like they are listening to us, but listening they are.

Let’s aim to be that Mother Bird preening her feathers from a not so distant branch, with an eye on her fluffy-looking fledgling flapping those wimpy little wings.  Be still now and quiet your fears. Remind yourself that their little wings are much stronger than they look, and that you have done your best to teach them well.

Looking for more editor’s posts?

• Don’t Sugar Coat the O’s
• The Making of a Clothe’s Horse
• The Boona Boona Bug Story
• What a Day For a Daydream
• Listen to Your Mama

We’d love to know how you decide when to swoop and when to perch and when it’s time to tangle with the big bad hawks. Tell us of your adventures with fledging the birdies in your nest!

Fashionably yours,

Deborah