Sometimes, I Need Some Space From My Toddler (And I’m Okay Admitting That)

 

It’s time to come clean.

Sometimes, I Need Some Space From My Toddler (And I’m Okay Admitting That)

It’s time for my little dose of honestly over here for the month and I’m sharing because I know someone out there will be able to relate. I’ve written in the past about how moms need regular breaks from their kids, but today’s story is a little bit more personal and a little bit deeper. It’s also my biggest struggle in life right now.

A couple of weeks ago, I got a pretty gut wrenching email about a project I’m trying to work on. It was a critique of my work that hurt and at the same time was the truth that I needed to hear. The thing is that I already knew what I was being told. Even though it is a passion project of mine, I haven’t had the alone time and focus to put 100% into it being my best work. (I don’t mean to vague-book here, but I will share the project openly eventually.) I took a deep breath and digested what I was reading.

Chris then got home from work. It was about 9am and he had worked a night shift. It was clear to him right away that I was in a mood and he went upstairs to change and sleep. I followed him and told him what happened. And then the tears came.

My sweet hubbs just held me and let me get it all out.

I LOVE what I do for a living. I wake up everyday excited to work and I think that’s a gift in this world. However, Blake is an extremely high maintenance toddler and giving her my attention limits my time and focus to work drastically. I balance it all the best that I can and accept that every single day will be different, but its so stressful when you feel so creatively invigorated about working on something and the time is just not there to put into it.

And no, I’m not being dramatic here. You’re probably thinking ” oh, she’s just a typical almost three-year-old,” but it’s a little but more complicated than that. Knowing what we know now about Branden’s ADHD diagnoses, there are already some warning signs that we’re seeing such as hyperactivity and extreme impulsivity and it’s a lot to deal with. When I say that I don’t sit for more than 5 minutes at a time the entire day, all day, I’m not exaggerating. I’m mentally exhausted by the time her bedtime rolls around.  After a day of struggling, when she goes to sleep I pretty much want to numbly stare at the tv until I fall asleep and eventually do it all again the next day.

The thing is this: we were all people with real interests and lives before we became parents. And then we have babies and our lives revolve around them for a bit. I’m okay with that. And being a mom brings so much joy to my life. But, I have other passions outside of motherhood, and that’s okay, too.

So as Chris held me that day, he knew where my struggle was coming from. He experiences it to with her. So he literally sprang to action, still in his work clothes and started organizing our 3rd floor to make it a more fun place for the kids to hang out – away from my 2nd floor office. He ordered the cords we needed to get the ancient tv up there hooked up and helped us get organized with a chore chart for Branden so that he could help out more. We came up with a plan to get us through the next couple months of summer and then we’ll hire a babysitter starting in September.

So problem solved temporarily.

But when it comes to Blake and my day to day experiences with her, the truth is that I have zero space and it weighs heavy on me.  Zero space to focus. Zero physical space. It even makes me emotional at times. Some days I can’t even stand to be hugged or cuddled by the time bed time rolls around because I’ve not had space from the second she wakes up (7am if I’m lucky) until the time she goes to bed – which is typically 8:30 after I’ve gone up and down the steps putting her back to bed 5 times.

I love her to death and she is my wild child with such a spirit inside her and I can’t wait to see what she ends up growing up to be. But the day to day challenge is real.

And sometimes I feel like these tough moments are playing on a loop. I’m not wishing away toddlerhood, but I won’t be sad whenever she starts school or whenever we finally get a regular babysitter in our lives. I think that for me, in order to feel whole, I need to have some space so that I can do the work that excites me and then come back and be the refreshed, stress-free mom that my family deserves. Does that sound harsh? Maybe. But motherhood isn’t always these beautiful moments that we see on Instagram, that create so much pressure for every moment of everyday to be perfect. It’s not. We’re humans just trying to navigate something we will never, ever have a handbook for.

Looking for more mom truths? You”ll relate to these!

• Where to Find Support Groups For Moms
• I Broke Up With Breastfeeding and It Made Me a Better Mom
• 5 Ways to Prevent Mom Burnout
• How to Keep Your Toddler From Dropping Their Nap
• The Mental Weight of an ADHD Mom
• Why I Stopped Trying to Be Supermom

XOXO,

Allison