I admit, it’s been a while since I have written a really personal post. But recently, I had an experience that really bothered me and I felt like there was a NEED to be open about it and there was a NEED to share.
I work as a full time freelance writer, which allows me to be there to take my little guy to school everyday and be there to do home work, go on field trips, and make a home cooked meal every night. It doesn’t work for all families, but me working from home works for mine. A couple of weeks ago, I was on the phone interviewing for a potential position with a website editor. There were quite a few categories that I could have fit in to write about, but I was really interested in writing about Motherhood and the kid-friendly side of New York City.
The interview was going well, but then that notorious question came up:
Editor: How many kids do you have?
Me: I have one.
Editor: You want to write about motherhood, but you only have one child?
Me (inside my head): Umm…excuse me? Wtf? Ouch!
How dare someone judge my knowledge and understanding of being a mother even though I “only” have one child?
I carried him in my belly, gave birth, and raised him through all the challenges that motherhood brings to your life. AND P.S. Even if I didn’t give birth to him, even if I adopted him, fostered him, found him in a pumpkin patch…whatever the situation may be..I am still a MOTHER!
I will even be so bold to share that very embarrassing picture of me with no makeup, puffy faced, holding my new baby after being in labor for 16 hours:
Furthermore, I feel like a question like that can sting in so many different ways, especially since she doesn’t know me or my situation, only my resume. What if I was desperately longing to have another baby, but was not able to? Or what if it was my dream to get married, have ONE child, and move to New York City to pursue my career? What if the man in my life was not around for umpteen gazillion legitimate reasons? (Um, he is a soldier!) She doesn’t know, therefore a judgmental question like that is wrong from so many different angles.
Now, this is the first time I have heard a comment like this to my face. But, I have read and heard people say things like “You really know what it’s like to be a mother whenever you bring baby #2 home from the hospital.” I know that multiple children can certainly be a challenge, believe me, I nannied all my high school and college years, plus am the oldest of 4 kids, the youngest being 9 years younger than me. But it is a challenge in a different way. I still face the challenges with one child. Period.
Honestly, I’m not really sure if I want another child, and I’m OK with that. That is MY business. And, when did just having one child become such a negative thing? And why are we judging one another? Experiencing motherhood is such a wonderful, crazy, exhausting, loving, and rewarding experience, we should spend more time relating and learning from one another’s experience rather than scrutinizing.
If you were wondering, I still got the writing gig. But, I’m writing about general New York city topics, some with a motherhood twist.
Looking for more honest motherhood?
- Puff Puff: Are Moms Smoking Weed?
- Welcome to the World Baby Lily
- A Summertime Reflection
- That Time I Said NO At Work
- Out of the Mouthes of Babes
- Why Parenting Advice is Like Trying to Solve World Hunger With a Single Spoon
- The Many Styles of Parenting
How do you all feel about this? Am I being overly sensitive? I want to hear from my Mamas with one child AND my Mamas with multiple kiddos! Comment below!
Fashionably Yours,
Allison
Are you SERIOUS?? I bet the person interviewing you doesn’t even HAVE kids and has NO IDEA what it even means to be a mom. I hang out with moms who have two and i have no idea how they do it – because ONE is a lot of work! But – i know that just means I’m being a good mom 🙂 and if anything ONE is the hardest because everything is NEW – #2 means you’re a pro, so even if there is two of them – it’s a routine now, and you know to expect to be up every three hours, where the changing tables are in the city, how to breastfeed in public, etc.
I have some many things to say about this but they’re probably best kept to myself. phft.
I know, right? I couldn’t believe my ears whenever I heard that comment, I almost didn’t know what to say! Being a Mom is such hard work no matter how you look at it, one child or 10.
Growing up, due to the age difference in us kids, I was a HUGE help to my mom with the younger ones. I have even heard people who have twins say that it was easier than their first ones because they entertain each other. It’s different for everyone no matter the situation. Grrrr…some people!!
I have a feeling I know what site it was/is…:) I am the oldest of four, too!
It’s amazing how some people can be so ignorant–I totally get that more than one child can be difficult and more work, but it doesn’t make anyone any less of a mom! I love that you are also the oldest of 4–so you get it!
Who the hell said that you have to have multiple kids to be a mom?! What, pray tell, are you considered to be with just one?
People need to learn to be more aware of what comes out of their mouths— a mother is a woman who cares for a child. Don’t let anyone take that away from you. What a dumb-$#%.
I was just reading a forum yesterday about this very thing. How rude, and I feel the same way you do. I have four kids, but even if I only had one I would still be a mother! The real question is… was she a mother? Lol
Wow, seriously? How could having one child make you a less worthy Mom. Oh boy!
I am so sorry you had to field that question. It was definitely not appropriate for her to ask that!
What the hell! I’m sorry, but no you are not being overly sensitive. that’s ridiculous to say that someone is less of for having less children. You sound like an amazing mom!
Well, that seems like an unprofessional question. I think some parents who have many children think they know more than people with one, which is totally untrue.
Seriously? So since when did being a mother/parent only qualify if you had multiple children. Really? I have an only child, too, and I am a MOTHER. So I bet he/she would think if you adopt you’re not a mother, either. Sigh.
Do you have to have a litter like a dog to be considered a Mom? What a weird thing to say….
Regardless whether you have one child or three like I do, you are still a mother. You still know about it. You still know what matters in mothering.
Each kid that I have is a whole new mothering experience. Not one child is the same so I am sure that only having one qualifies any mother as a mother. Crazy questioning of your expertise. sheesh.
I cannot believe someone said that! That is ridiculous. I am sorry you were insulted like that.
That was such an idiotic statement by the interviewer. Yes there are challenges with multiples and singles in the home but having one over the other does not make you a mom. Being the person that cares for, loves and provides for any child makes you a mom. Whether you birthed them or someone else. How narrow minded some people are is just sad.
There was an out of place question. I would be upset too.
Wow… there are no words. People are ignorant…
I am blown away by someone asking that question. ONLY ONE? but, yes, one child makes you a mother. And sometimes not having ANY children is not by choice. I have three of my own and a step daughter. They are all grown up now, the oldest, my son, is 42. But way back then, he was only 3 and a half years old when his second sister was born. I was terribly stupid when it came to motherhood–I had no idea how to do it, so just did whatever came naturally. and guess what, they all grew up to be happy, healthy, and successful. So, if you only one, it doesn’t matter. One is enough. Sometimes one can be too many, or sometimes one can be a dream fulfilled. One still makes you a mother.
Woah! Ummm I would have been furious!
Possible responses:
“Yeah, I guess having only one makes it just a hobby, really.”
“Should I come back when I have two? Would three be better?”
“I guess it isn’t just men who ask stupid questions.”
I love your list of responses, Laurie…wish I could have thought of these on the spot!
So disgusting! All kids have the same needs. It might be busier with more than one, duh!, but the same work has to be done for each and every child, and that work is called being a MOM!
And to think she has the same job title as me (Editor). Makes me want to gag!!
Deborah
Editor, Project Mothehood
PS When I say “all kids have the same needs”, obviously that is a simplification of sorts. But in that simplified mode, sometimes the people who are logically challenged like that OTHER Editor can grab what one is talking about. So yes, Moms need to provide food, shelter, safety, teaching, stimulation, and moral support for each and every child, and then she has to figure out the particulars of that individual child’s needs. A Mom is a Mom, regardless of one or twenty.
Deborah
Editor, Project Motherhood
I completely agree, as always!
Wow. Just wow. What’s wrong with people? I have two kids, and yes, it’s been waaay harder for me with two. But it still wasn’t easy with one. And either way, when did the level of parenting difficultly become the definition for motherhood? I still feel like a rookie and if I had 10 more I’d still feel like I didn’t know what I was doing. Each child is a unique experience and challenge and they ALL need to be mothered/parented. And every mother will learn something new and different with each child, whether she has one or twenty.